Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo
This is a time of letting go.
Letting go of those things I thought I had control of
Letting go of those bad habits
All of them *ouch*
Change hurts
Letting go of you.
You're not mine
Letting go of my "religion"
I want a relationship
Letting go of my "understanding"
It has profited me nothing thus far
Instead I take up Your burden
It's not very heavy
I know I put it down a while ago, but if you let me...
I'll gladly pick it up now
You said you have always known me
So please, could you tell me who I'm supposed to be?
I thought I was telling myself who I was, but I see now that it wasn't me
It was a Liar
I want to know who You want me to be
I want to know You
To be where You are
Please...
please help me, Lord
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Oh Really?
So I'm not feeling to good, a little bit sad, a little bit lonely...
I just want to be myself....
God why am I ignoring you? Am I so stubborn that I think that I can deal with my own problems, even though You have clearly proven otherwise? Lord, soften my heart, I just want to be with You
I just want to be myself....
God why am I ignoring you? Am I so stubborn that I think that I can deal with my own problems, even though You have clearly proven otherwise? Lord, soften my heart, I just want to be with You
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Sooooooooooooooo
So I'm just chillin', doing homework and stuff. Avoiding awkwardness and how I really feel about some things, since how I really feel always gets me into trouble...
Thursday, May 17, 2007
:-D
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (I hate pink, but whatever)
So it's summertime, W00T!
I'm actually pretty excited about it. I got the job at Camp Wannaklot, and camp with Town Center is only $100.
I have a summer Reading List that consists of:
Ella Enchanted (Have)
Eldest (Have)
Watership Down (Have)
!984 (Have)
Brave New World (Have somewhere)
etc...
It is also the end of my first year at Georgia Tech, HURRAY!!!
So it's summertime, W00T!
I'm actually pretty excited about it. I got the job at Camp Wannaklot, and camp with Town Center is only $100.
I have a summer Reading List that consists of:
Ella Enchanted (Have)
Eldest (Have)
Watership Down (Have)
!984 (Have)
Brave New World (Have somewhere)
etc...
It is also the end of my first year at Georgia Tech, HURRAY!!!
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Well Here's the Thing...
I'm utterly confused. I have no clue as to who I am, or what I want, or how I truly feel, or anything. Why is it so hard to discern whether or not I feel something or not? I don't understand why there should be any question.
It's because I screwed up the first time. If I hadn't been so hasty, or if I hadn't been looking for validation I wouldn't be so hesitant right now.
How do I know that I'm not just trying to not be alone right now? Or what if I simply fell under the spell of passionate music? (Moulin Rouge has an awesome score)
But then what if there is something legitimate? What if...
It's because I screwed up the first time. If I hadn't been so hasty, or if I hadn't been looking for validation I wouldn't be so hesitant right now.
How do I know that I'm not just trying to not be alone right now? Or what if I simply fell under the spell of passionate music? (Moulin Rouge has an awesome score)
But then what if there is something legitimate? What if...
Monday, April 23, 2007
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
*Curses*
*humph*
Something I don't like to be is repetitive; the concept is boring to me. However, that state of being is hard to avoid when something you said is not believed or misinterpreted. Right now I am absolutely Happy to be Nobody's Valentine, and am not seeking to be in a relationship, nor do i see any prospects amongst people I know. Yet I still find myself being pursued. It wouldn't be so...*grrr* if I hadn't made this clear before, but I have-more than once. Whatever, I'm just going to keep on living. It's kind of upsetting thought to know that someone is consciously wasting their time and effort. But I am in no position to give sound advice, for if I do it will seem like I care differently than I do. It would seem as if I had some underlying passion or something when really I'm just trying to help a friend out.
Whatever. I'll se what happens.
Something I don't like to be is repetitive; the concept is boring to me. However, that state of being is hard to avoid when something you said is not believed or misinterpreted. Right now I am absolutely Happy to be Nobody's Valentine, and am not seeking to be in a relationship, nor do i see any prospects amongst people I know. Yet I still find myself being pursued. It wouldn't be so...*grrr* if I hadn't made this clear before, but I have-more than once. Whatever, I'm just going to keep on living. It's kind of upsetting thought to know that someone is consciously wasting their time and effort. But I am in no position to give sound advice, for if I do it will seem like I care differently than I do. It would seem as if I had some underlying passion or something when really I'm just trying to help a friend out.
Whatever. I'll se what happens.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
GAH!!!
Ah, frustration. I'm kind of peeved and don't know why. Maybe it's because I have so much work to do and don't know where to start. Maybe it's because I keep putting off reading my Bible, even though I know I should read it a lot. Maybe it's because I know what I should do but am scared to do it.
What ever it is, I can't keep typing about what I should do, but rather should start doing. So yeah, that's what I'm about to be-Proactive.
What ever it is, I can't keep typing about what I should do, but rather should start doing. So yeah, that's what I'm about to be-Proactive.
About this Valentine's Day thing...
So as most people know, especially those of you with significant others, Valentine's Day is approaching. *How can I put this* I don't know if I care that it is. In past years, when I was young it really wasn't significant at all. More recently i.e. High School I learned (from my peers) that it is the most depressing day of the year, and I must say that I experienced that revelation.
Now that I am in college, I'm not entirely sure what has changed about me. Maybe I'm apathetic because I am what is described as being alone, or whatever. I think that I don't care about the holiday because it is a commercialized version of how two people should interact with one another, when "In Love".
Don't get me wrong, I think it's an extremely cute holiday that's not just for Lovers but also friends and family too (though I might be prone to exclude some family ;-) ) and I do enjoy a good Valentine, and if I got one I would love it. I think the point I am making is that if I don't I'm not going to fall to pieces and think that no one in the world loves me, for I know that's not true. Truly, I think love should be shown everyday of the year in what we do for one another, and how we treat each other (though I suppose a sappier version of the displayed love can be enjoyed once in a while).
So to end my rant, I hope everyone has a Happy, love-filled Valentines Day. And for anyone without "That Special Someone" make sure not to scorn the love of a friend. It's worth just as much, if not more at times...
Now that I am in college, I'm not entirely sure what has changed about me. Maybe I'm apathetic because I am what is described as being alone, or whatever. I think that I don't care about the holiday because it is a commercialized version of how two people should interact with one another, when "In Love".
Don't get me wrong, I think it's an extremely cute holiday that's not just for Lovers but also friends and family too (though I might be prone to exclude some family ;-) ) and I do enjoy a good Valentine, and if I got one I would love it. I think the point I am making is that if I don't I'm not going to fall to pieces and think that no one in the world loves me, for I know that's not true. Truly, I think love should be shown everyday of the year in what we do for one another, and how we treat each other (though I suppose a sappier version of the displayed love can be enjoyed once in a while).
So to end my rant, I hope everyone has a Happy, love-filled Valentines Day. And for anyone without "That Special Someone" make sure not to scorn the love of a friend. It's worth just as much, if not more at times...
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Where I Am
Sadness. Such is mine. I just want to figure some things out, to understand what I need. Dealing with relationships, my own and the ones of others, has been...complicated to say the least, and even a bit depressing at times.
I must admit that most recently I have been correcting my Jesus defficiency, reading more in my Bible. Wait, not quite. I need to read my Bible more, in my own time, and not depend on Bible studys and church on Sunday. The same way that I seek food everyday, so must I seek God.
Anyway, most recently I've been really experienceing the whole Spiritual Conflict. Biblical reference being Galatians 5:16-26 -> 16So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
So I'm kind of stuck right in the middle of that, mainly with my desire to be in a relationship with someone; Not specifically anyone I know. I want to be used by God so much, and to be in His will, but then I want to do my own thing as well. I know the Bible, and I know what God says is true, and I know for sure that He wouldn't put this desire in my heart to torture me. I'm just so impatient. It's funny how I feel as if I know what's best for me, while at the same time I know I know nothing about what I truly need, except that I need God. I need His peace and unconditional love.
I can not count the many times I've turned my back on Him, or misrepresented the faith, or was just outright disobedient. Most times, if not all, out of fear. Fear that I would be miserable, fear that while chasing God I would never see whomever God has for me (how could I be so...). Fear that I would be taken to a place where I wouldn't be comfortable, or "successful".
But quite honestly that wich I fear the most is exactly where I want, no need to be. To rest solely on God. To be in a place where the only logical explaination is the hand of God. To be in line with His will so that I can do what He wants me to do, and recieve whatever He has for me. God is my only assurance policy because only in Him do I know that I am safe from everything.
So that is my plight, my journey. Jules Vernes can go to the center of the earth if he wants to, I'm sure he'll only find more earth. Me-I want to journey to the Center of God's will for me. There I will find so much, not just blessings, peace and every other promise God has given me for being his child, but also a Life Worth Living, spent with someone who loves me far more then I could ever love myself. And even when my life comes to an end, I know it will just be beginning.
That is all...for now.
I must admit that most recently I have been correcting my Jesus defficiency, reading more in my Bible. Wait, not quite. I need to read my Bible more, in my own time, and not depend on Bible studys and church on Sunday. The same way that I seek food everyday, so must I seek God.
Anyway, most recently I've been really experienceing the whole Spiritual Conflict. Biblical reference being Galatians 5:16-26 -> 16So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.So I'm kind of stuck right in the middle of that, mainly with my desire to be in a relationship with someone; Not specifically anyone I know. I want to be used by God so much, and to be in His will, but then I want to do my own thing as well. I know the Bible, and I know what God says is true, and I know for sure that He wouldn't put this desire in my heart to torture me. I'm just so impatient. It's funny how I feel as if I know what's best for me, while at the same time I know I know nothing about what I truly need, except that I need God. I need His peace and unconditional love.
I can not count the many times I've turned my back on Him, or misrepresented the faith, or was just outright disobedient. Most times, if not all, out of fear. Fear that I would be miserable, fear that while chasing God I would never see whomever God has for me (how could I be so...). Fear that I would be taken to a place where I wouldn't be comfortable, or "successful".
But quite honestly that wich I fear the most is exactly where I want, no need to be. To rest solely on God. To be in a place where the only logical explaination is the hand of God. To be in line with His will so that I can do what He wants me to do, and recieve whatever He has for me. God is my only assurance policy because only in Him do I know that I am safe from everything.
So that is my plight, my journey. Jules Vernes can go to the center of the earth if he wants to, I'm sure he'll only find more earth. Me-I want to journey to the Center of God's will for me. There I will find so much, not just blessings, peace and every other promise God has given me for being his child, but also a Life Worth Living, spent with someone who loves me far more then I could ever love myself. And even when my life comes to an end, I know it will just be beginning.
That is all...for now.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Hello
Well Hello
I can't say to much because I have to go to class, but I'm glad to be on this.
That is all for now :-D
I can't say to much because I have to go to class, but I'm glad to be on this.
That is all for now :-D
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