Where I Am

Sadness. Such is mine. I just want to figure some things out, to understand what I need. Dealing with relationships, my own and the ones of others, has been...complicated to say the least, and even a bit depressing at times.
I must admit that most recently I have been correcting my Jesus defficiency, reading more in my Bible. Wait, not quite. I need to read my Bible more, in my own time, and not depend on Bible studys and church on Sunday. The same way that I seek food everyday, so must I seek God.
Anyway, most recently I've been really experienceing the whole Spiritual Conflict. Biblical reference being Galatians 5:16-26 -> ¹⁶So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. ¹⁷For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. ¹⁸But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

¹⁹The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. ²⁵Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
So I'm kind of stuck right in the middle of that, mainly with my desire to be in a relationship with someone; Not specifically anyone I know. I want to be used by God so much, and to be in His will, but then I want to do my own thing as well. I know the Bible, and I know what God says is true, and I know for sure that He wouldn't put this desire in my heart to torture me. I'm just so impatient. It's funny how I feel as if I know what's best for me, while at the same time I know I know nothing about what I truly need, except that I need God. I need His peace and unconditional love.
I can not count the many times I've turned my back on Him, or misrepresented the faith, or was just outright disobedient. Most times, if not all, out of fear. Fear that I would be miserable, fear that while chasing God I would never see whomever God has for me (how could I be so...). Fear that I would be taken to a place where I wouldn't be comfortable, or "successful".
But quite honestly that wich I fear the most is exactly where I want, no need to be. To rest solely on God. To be in a place where the only logical explaination is the hand of God. To be in line with His will so that I can do what He wants me to do, and recieve whatever He has for me. God is my only assurance policy because only in Him do I know that I am safe from everything.
So that is my plight, my journey. Jules Vernes can go to the center of the earth if he wants to, I'm sure he'll only find more earth. Me-I want to journey to the Center of God's will for me. There I will find so much, not just blessings, peace and every other promise God has given me for being his child, but also a Life Worth Living, spent with someone who loves me far more then I could ever love myself. And even when my life comes to an end, I know it will just be beginning.
That is all...for now.